Taking Ownership

Today Michele reminded me that the whole day belongs to me and I have to step up to the plate and make myself happy. Jessica reminded me that I am a people person and I like surrounding myself with people I find interesting or want to be around or else I feel lonely. Nicole reminded me that she's so funny quirky and why I love her so much. My pilates students' reminded me that I seriously need to hit the gym more often. Leah's store reminded me how I might not really want to have kids. Michelle reminded me of my days of belly dancing and hip hop and how I miss those days a bit dreadfully.

Reminders are good. I wish I could designate a way to send eReminders to myself. 1) Stop eating so much 2) Stop talking so much 3) Stop your head from wandering so much 4) Clean your room V...I have something missing in my life and that is why I need eReminders. I think other people have someone in their life to continuously nag them about this stuff.

5) Get off the computer and do some serious work.

Words

Sometime in high school I decided that I am a person of words. Mostly because I liked my English courses better than Mathematics. And because Ebele roped me into joining the Literary Club with her...which meant that I had to appear to be a lot more literary than I really was. Her brother wrote a response to Dylan Thomas' "Do Not Go Gentle Into the Good Night", which my English teacher read out to the whole class because it was pretty good for a senior in high school. I remember being inspired and hoping that one day when I grew up that I could write responses to poems that evoked those feelings within me.

In the Literary Club...I discovered Brad...who was the editor of our yearly publication. This book was a compilation of short stories, poems, art that the students submitted. We reviewed the material throughout the year and put it together. Brad carried around this old spiral notebook where (upon reading some of his work I found out this was where he jotted his notes and inspirations down) that he coined the "holy notebook".

I've had so many versions. At first I had a real notebook. However, it was not glamourous and so did not appeal to me. I upgraded to a square notebook where I jotted down notes from all the random lectures I attended in college. Speakers on human rights in Burma, what happened in Nanjing, the Armenian Holocaust, all the random Humanist lectures I went to and websites I wanted to make sure I wanted to go to again. It also served as my book of "lists" - books I wanted to read, movies I wanted to see and of course...restaurants I want to eat at. Then...somehow I lost interest.

In college, Kevin inspired me to write and think about words more. He was always explaining the lyrics of songs to me. For me, I never quite paid attention to the lyrics of songs. One of the songs that meant a lot to him was "The Promise" by Tracy Chapman. After I listened to the song with the words in front of me, I remembered thinking that I hope one day I'd find someone that I'd want to give that song to. Since then, I've only held off once. I had wanted to burn the song onto a CD and send it, but I stopped myself. I wasn't 100% sure. I also remember sitting in his room with the hardwood floors and listening to him reminisce about "Ghost" by the Indigo Girls and how the lyrics remind him of him and Sara wanting to find that part of the Mississippi River that the song was referring to. It also reminds me of finding him listening to that song with his headphones on at Espresso Royale.

Words remind me of Kevin and I's "pink notebook". A little notebook we passed back and forth between us where we asked each other questions or wrote down thoughts. We had first used it to communicate after a misunderstanding we had, but then it turned into a nice "friendship" gesture...where we'd hide the book in each other's rooms...so that it was a good surprise to find when you weren't expecting it. I liked those college days with Kevin.

When I visited him once...we listened to Joni Mitchell while driving around this very wooded area near San Mateo. I remember listening to Big Yellow Taxi...along the winding roads with the sun peeking through the leaves...and years after that when there was the remake of that song...Kevin, driving me to Monterey Park from San Diego, said that he realized the song was not only about urban sprawl, but can be that of thinking the person you're with is not as good as everything else that's out there...and when I thought of it that way...the memory of that song for me has changed.

Kevin also introduced Jason Mraz to me...one of my favorite songs is "You and I" especially because I like this part:

See I'm all about them words
Over numbers, unencumbered numbered words
Hundreds of pages, pages, pages forwards
More words then I had ever heard and I feel so alive

I like the way he sings it. Sounds so hopeful.

Words.

I'm bringing back the Holy Notebook. I recently decided to use this fat light blue book that has blank pages in it (I feel that lined pages are too restricting) and now think it would be a great addition to my life. This new blank book makes me want to write. Although I'm a bit nervous. Currently it just looks like a glamourized "to do" list...but I'm all about glamour...so maybe something good will come out of it. I like the cover of the book and how "Oh Boy" is written on it and how in tiny font it says 5 pm to 9 am. That's the only part of my life I consider my own.

See, I too am all about them words...at least for the moment.