Bridge of Sighs Venice, Italy

A long time ago, I stood in front of the Bridge of Sighs in Venice. I was breathing...naturally...and just wondering about all the aspects of my life. Am I happy? What do you want from me? What do I want from you? What do I want out of this? And so on...

I thought about the prisoners passing through the bridge...and wondered about all the things that one can sigh about:

1) Anticipating something bad
2) Something bad happened
3) Wishing something good happened
4) Remembering something good happened (past tense)
5) Something is finally over
6) Wishing something never happened

Today, I'm sighing because I'm finally done studying for the GMAT. That took such a huge chunk of my life...and I think in the long run it will all make sense why I did it. Josh pointed out today that I just like challenging myself to see if I can do it...but honestly...I don't think that's why. I would have picked something more productive...like - lose 5 pounds by the end of August.

I'm also sighing because I feel so tired of caring about so many things. Sometimes I wish I didn't. I wish the most important thing in the world was just to be alive. Just the very act of it...but I sit there and attach so much other criteria to what being alive means. That - makes things difficult.

If only meaning can be summed up in the following things:

1) Having perfectly manicured nails all the time
2) Having the best bronze
3) Wearing the best lip gloss
4) Coordinating the most fabulous outfits
5) Having super long and flirty eyelashes

Wait...why can't I believe these are the "only" important things?

Sigh.

Thoughts on Salisbury Cathedral from the Meadows

I don't remember the first time I saw this painting. Was it in one of my art books...or online? I fell in love with the old cathedral, the dreary day and the rainbow. I just kept thinking...."wow, this is beautiful." And when I was in England a while back, I traveled to Salisbury just to see it in person. I remember standing there...drinking in the whole scene. My, things physically change...but if you had the image in your heart...it's as good as being sketched in stone.

I miss art museums, cobble stone streets, cathedrals and wandering in little villages. Although I've done most of the aforementioned activities alone, they make me realize that life has it's beauty, and therefore being alone doesn't necessarily constitute loneliness. It cements for me the opinion that life is worth living and sharing with others. For experiencing moments alone...just makes me catalog them in a different place and want to share it with the special people in my life so much more.

This particular painting reminds me that I like viewing the world through different filters - other's eyes. (Hence, my eternal questions...what's your perspective? How do you see this? Why? Why?) It is strange to feel an understanding with art as a medium. No words need to be exchanged. It feels good to just serenely understand.

I imagine that art, architecture and the weather will mesmerize me so much that maybe one day I'll decide to have children. I would love to bring my little girl to Salisbury cathedral, crouch down by her and point out everything she should notice. I'd say, "...sweetie...look at the stained glass windows...and look...look at the old stones." And I'd imagine she'd giggle and gurgle (as most toddlers do) and then crouch down herself...grab a handful of grass...and shove it straight into her mouth..."no! no! don't eat that!" i'd have to scream...and try to pry her little fingers open and dig all of that out of her mouth. Then, I'd think to myself...you ruined my fantasy, you little punk - I don't want you anymore. So it's best not to have children...they're a bit volatile.

Ranting About Cell Phones

I know I said I would post more meaningful posts...but today it's a "rant and rave". Based on numerous incidences, I've decided I need to post cell phone etiquette that everyone should know. I know I've been guilty on some of the accounts below...but I'm going to try to be better!

If you're the caller:

1. and you are on the phone with someone, do not text other people at the same time.
2. do not call someone and after hearing them say, "Hello?" ask if you can call back in a minute.
3. do not call someone and after hearing them say, "Hello?" ask if you can put them on hold.

If you're the recipient do not pick up your cell phone if:

1. you are in the middle of dinner with friends (exceptions maybe ifyou've already told everyone you're expecting a call)
2. you're in a bad mood and you don't want to talk
3. you're in the middle of something and so want to call that person back (unless they were expecting you to answer b/c you were in themiddle of making plans etc.)
4. you're in a loud place...text your friend back.

Here's a good tip I heard about leaving voice message in college:

Leave your number early in the message. Say it twice slowly. This way, if the person needs to get a pencil they don't have to sift through your entire message to get your telephone number.

Maybe the best advice here is...call your friends! Stay connected. Too often, we all just suck at maintaining friendships. I've decided the first step to caring about the global world is to also care about my immediate world...my friends and knowing what's going on in the different communities to which I belong.

I Live in *This* World?

The recent news in the media has made me feel so thankful that I've lived in a relatively safe environment my whole life. Quite often, I think of all the different reasons why one must flee their own country. One of the reasons being that my father came to America as a refugee. And when I was growing up, he recounted his adventures to me as bedtime stories. So I drifted off to bed trying to get the vocabulary words straight in my head. China became "communist", my grandpa was deemed a "capitalist" and at the time the bad people were the "capitalists". The "farmers" were the good guys. Inevitable conflict. Since my grandpa was the bad guy the rest of his family were also bad. My father had to leave China. So, naturally, I empathize with displaced people. People who don't want to leave, but are forced out of their livelihood...or forced out of their right to pursue happiness.

Ugh, what is this?

http://poplicks.com/2006/07/bombs-over-lebanon.html
http://www.cmylebanon.com/images/displayimage.php?album=207&pos=28

My heart hurts looking at the pictures from the links above.

And then I think of how we are all interconnected. Khaled's extended family is in Lebanon and are all, thankfully, okay (I checked in with him today). But still, many disruptions to their life.

And out of the blue, I decided to check Oliver Wang's blog today and happened upon Junichi's. In his bio, I read that his wife's family is also from Lebanon.

All these people I don't know personally are real. And terrible, horrible, unimaginable things are happening to them. I feel unsettled today. How can we let this happen to each other and to our world? I need to do something about this. My action list includes but is not limited to:

1. Get more involved with local politics
2. Get more informed on the situation (read blogs, the Economist, other links)
3. Write in to editors in different news sources
4. Join some type of action group online to stay informed
5. Blog more about issues that matter

Two other interesting links I found on Junichi Semitsu's blog today that I intend to spend more time on reading.

http://www.ifamericansknew.org/
http://americablog.blogspot.com/

Midori's Floating World Cafe Minneapolis, MN

Okay...everyone knows I hate waiting.

And waiting 30 minutes for 8 pieces of sushi was a little bit ridiculous.

Especially when our entire order also included a caterpillar roll, a dynamite roll, a mango roll and a rainbow roll!

I felt so bad because I just kept staring...we all kept staring...at the people that worked at the restaurant because it wasn't busy and we were starving.

BUT...

All very tasty and well presented in a cute crescent shape lined on a square platter.

And the waitress was cute and pleasant and felt so bad for us that she gave us some edamame while we were waiting for the third portion of our order which took another 20 minutes or so. (We had to place a second order for another caterpillar roll and thier tuna advocado roll).

I had to inquire whether or not this was a regular occurence. How does this place keep its door open when they take forever to serve their customers? So...I asked our waitress. She told us it is because their sushi chefs keep leaving without warning...so the owner (this very skinny and meticulous lady) has to make all the sushi rolls herself. And since she's not very experienced and still wants to present her sushi well...it takes her a very long time. Oh and she also can't cut them really well because the rolls were separated into HUGE pieces. I couldn't figure out how to put it in my mouth so I could neatly chomp it down into two pieces. Maybe this gives one the impression that they are getting more for their money?

So if you have time to wait...I think Midori's is a good place for sushi. It's less main stream and makes me feel like I'm supporting a small family business (which is always a bonus in my book).

Thinking about Romance

definition of "ro·mance"

1. A love affair.
2. Ardent emotional attachment or involvement between people; love.
3. A strong, sometimes short-lived attachment, fascination, or enthusiasm for something.
4. A mysterious or fascinating quality or appeal, as of something adventurous, heroic, or strangely beautiful

Which gets me thinking...

Romance is everywhere, yet no where to be found.

I sense it all the time.

In the butterfly that waltzed its way by me as I was crossing the street by Lake Calhoun
In the powdery milk tea that dissolved into the water as I mixed it with my spoon
In the colors of the photo I took of Hanauma Bay during my visit to Hawaii in October of 2005
In the way I catch myself smiling while doing a salsa spin

Yet, it's all intangible. A fleeting moment experienced and then...just like it magically appears...it disappears...like fluffing the dust off pillows. One moment you see the dust...and then...it all settles out of sight.

Perhaps this magic sort of acts like a gift that keeps on giving. And it goes on to the next person that needs an extra uplift for the day.

Currently I feel like I'm bosu-ing again. And although I know I'm an adult...I still feel like I'm balancing the naivete of youth and the groundedness of adulthood. I also find myself "romancing" the dimensions of my life. The past, the present and the future (that seems so close but so far far away).

Looking into the past, I now know that romance explains a lot of things:

A glance is not just a glance.
A soft caress is not really just that.
A kiss is not *any* kiss.

And when you become experienced enough of a person to realize these things...
you let out a deep...exasperated... sigh.

Because...this might mean unrequited love.

Or just plain confusion.

Or just obnoxious dismay on how unfair life is.

The saddest part of growing up is also acknowledging when romance has left. Checked out. It's like looking at all the happiest most memorable photos you have up on the wall and seeing them with only you remaining. Then you have the sudden disappointment of knowing that you have to trek all over the world for another main character. Not a replacement per se, but just something different... (P.S. I abhor the word different. Seems like it's always used against me in so called surprise wars against Venora.)

And just like it appeared...I presently now know that:

A glance is all it is.
A soft caress is a miscalculated gesture.
A kiss can feel empty.

Like a little bunny, romance has tip toed away.

For me, I know because my day dreams are slowly getting more fuzzy. Like watching old favorite video tapes. Things look different than what's stored in my memory. My memories now make me feel differently than what it seems like it did just a moment ago. I don't quite wear the same smile upon reminiscing.

All of this, actually, rather amuses me. It's like accidently grabbing the wrong persons hand and realizing it after 3.5 steps...CRAP...and you make a slight gasp. It's kind of embarassing, but sweet, in a weird sort of way. (Sigh) but romance is everywhere...just not found in every aspect of my life. Maybe next week I'll send Romance an invitation. Ask for it to come visit when it shall be convenient. Or maybe I should be more forceful and just set a date. I'll write, "You must visit soon. I insist. P.S. Perhaps next weekend? P.P.S. Can you only visit for a while because I don't want you to disrupt my life?" Does it work that way?

I 'll even sign it xoxo.

Mona Lisa Smile

What's more sad?

I wish you would love me more
I wish I could love you less

I wish XXX was still alive
I wish ZZZ would just die

I wish I never fell in love
I wish I knew what falling in love feels like

I wish I could have everything I want all the time in a very easy manner
I wish I knew what it was like to attain something I thought unachievable

I wish all this food wasn't available for me to gorge on all the time
I wish I knew what it was like to not be starving all the time

I go back and forth and back and forth on these thoughts. Is it better this way? or that way? Have I felt that way...or not? I feel like I'm standing in the middle of the see saw. Or better yet...a bosu ball flipped upside down...and trying to figure out if I can balance. (Because if I can...at least I get a core workout! -- that's good...even at the expense of feeling sad!) But no...the big thing...is that I don't want to fall. I keep saying this...but I'm too old for scars. It's not fashionable or glamourous to be sporting deep cuts and scabs on your skin. It screams carelessness.

Lately, I feel like I'm void of all emotions - except for sadness. Or is this in retrospect that I feel that way? I remember laughing...and giggling...and making jokes...but all that stuff comes easy to me, really. I can laugh with a heavy heart. And smile when I don't feel like things are right. I can giggle through most disappointing activities. I think I can act like I'm sincerely enjoying everything...without being into what I'm doing at all.

I remember once, long ago, Kevin told me that he thought I was just a melancholy person. I like wallowing in sadness. Perhaps being sad is comfortable. Like an old and weary stuffed animal...b/c it's always easy to think of all the terrible, horrible things that have happened in the past. It's much harder to sit and remember all the good things. Perhaps that also makes me a pessimist. Today, I read over some e-mail arguments I've gotten into in the past...and what was said...the archives actually make me laugh. I have a funny way of fighting with people. I always want to make jokes...perhaps because I never really intend to fight with them...I just like the heightening of emotions...it makes life taste less bland. I like to think I don't get into real fights with people...they're like splenda fights...tastes like sugar...made from sugar...but not really sugar.

What is it with me lately? I feel like the only time I don't think of whether or not I'm sad is when I'm running...because the whole time I'm running...all I can think about is when is this bs going to end? Why can't I run faster? Am I breathing? Does he/she think I'm breathing too hard? Did I pick my feet up too much? Did I put enough sun tan lotion on? When you think of a million questions surrounding the very activity you're doing...is that called focus? or lack thereof?

Oh dear. Not sure what all these random thoughts mean today. Perhaps some day I'll be able to connect all the dots.

Until then I guess all my viewers get a little peek of the crazy sparks of thoughts that illuminate my daily existence....(sigh).