Mona Lisa Smile

What's more sad?

I wish you would love me more
I wish I could love you less

I wish XXX was still alive
I wish ZZZ would just die

I wish I never fell in love
I wish I knew what falling in love feels like

I wish I could have everything I want all the time in a very easy manner
I wish I knew what it was like to attain something I thought unachievable

I wish all this food wasn't available for me to gorge on all the time
I wish I knew what it was like to not be starving all the time

I go back and forth and back and forth on these thoughts. Is it better this way? or that way? Have I felt that way...or not? I feel like I'm standing in the middle of the see saw. Or better yet...a bosu ball flipped upside down...and trying to figure out if I can balance. (Because if I can...at least I get a core workout! -- that's good...even at the expense of feeling sad!) But no...the big thing...is that I don't want to fall. I keep saying this...but I'm too old for scars. It's not fashionable or glamourous to be sporting deep cuts and scabs on your skin. It screams carelessness.

Lately, I feel like I'm void of all emotions - except for sadness. Or is this in retrospect that I feel that way? I remember laughing...and giggling...and making jokes...but all that stuff comes easy to me, really. I can laugh with a heavy heart. And smile when I don't feel like things are right. I can giggle through most disappointing activities. I think I can act like I'm sincerely enjoying everything...without being into what I'm doing at all.

I remember once, long ago, Kevin told me that he thought I was just a melancholy person. I like wallowing in sadness. Perhaps being sad is comfortable. Like an old and weary stuffed animal...b/c it's always easy to think of all the terrible, horrible things that have happened in the past. It's much harder to sit and remember all the good things. Perhaps that also makes me a pessimist. Today, I read over some e-mail arguments I've gotten into in the past...and what was said...the archives actually make me laugh. I have a funny way of fighting with people. I always want to make jokes...perhaps because I never really intend to fight with them...I just like the heightening of emotions...it makes life taste less bland. I like to think I don't get into real fights with people...they're like splenda fights...tastes like sugar...made from sugar...but not really sugar.

What is it with me lately? I feel like the only time I don't think of whether or not I'm sad is when I'm running...because the whole time I'm running...all I can think about is when is this bs going to end? Why can't I run faster? Am I breathing? Does he/she think I'm breathing too hard? Did I pick my feet up too much? Did I put enough sun tan lotion on? When you think of a million questions surrounding the very activity you're doing...is that called focus? or lack thereof?

Oh dear. Not sure what all these random thoughts mean today. Perhaps some day I'll be able to connect all the dots.

Until then I guess all my viewers get a little peek of the crazy sparks of thoughts that illuminate my daily existence....(sigh).